


Murat Goes to Tea and Rescues a Rabbit from Pirates

by JoachimNapoleon (UselessGoats)



Category: Alternate Universe - Fandom, Historical RPF, Modern AU - Fandom, Napoleonic Era RPF
Genre: Children, Family Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Papa Murat, Trifecta AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:20:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24882211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UselessGoats/pseuds/JoachimNapoleon
Summary: Murat is kept busy babysitting his four children while Caroline enjoys a day at the spa.
Kudos: 5





	Murat Goes to Tea and Rescues a Rabbit from Pirates

Murat shifts uncomfortably. The tiny pink plastic chair really wasn’t made to hold a brawny, six-foot-plus adult male. But what choice does he have? His attendance at his daughter Letitia’s tea party is mandatory, and his traditional seat has been usurped by a new arrival, one Mr. Bear, who recently came home with Papa from the amusement park to live with them.

_Just don’t break the chair_ , Murat tells himself. _Do not. Break. The chair._

“How is your tea, Papa?” Letitia asks. 

He glances down into his empty, plastic toy tea cup. Raising it to his lips, he pretends to take a delicate sip, sighing contentedly for good measure.

“Delightful, my dear.”

The seven-year-old beams. Would Papa like some more? Of course he would! Murat places the tea cup in front of Letitia. She obligingly lifts her toy tea kettle and elegantly simulates pouring him another cup.

“Thank you _mademoiselle_! You should pour some more for Mr. Bear too, he’s looking rather parched.”

Letitia pours Mr. Bear some more tea, observing that her new friend is always very thirsty because of his great size. She then turns to her younger sister, five-year-old Louise.

“More tea, Louise?”

Louise, busy scribbling in her newest coloring book, shakes her curly-haired head, but informs her sister that Bunbun would like some. The gigantic floppy rabbit has been Louise’s constant companion since arriving at the Murat household alongside Mr. Bear, Baldoin (Lucien’s new stuffed dog), and Ajax, an enormous stuffed crocodile now doubling as a body pillow in Achille’s bedroom.

Bunbun soon has a fresh cup of tea. He expresses his gratitude by drooping over even further in his seat. Louise is oblivious, intensely focused on coloring a picture of an octopus that looks, Murat can’t help but notice, a bit like Davout.

Fearful that Bunbun is about to go toppling out of his chair, Murat reaches over and gently nudges him back upright.

“He’s okay,” Louise says reassuringly. “Just sleepy.”

“Ah,” Murat nods understandably. “Didn’t he sleep well last night?”

“He was scared of the thunder,” Louise says.

“I see,” Murat says, giving Bunbun a severe look. “Well we’ll have to work on that, won’t we.” Cowardice had no place in the Murat household.

The sounds of running footsteps over the downstairs hardwood floor, the laughter and dramatic cries of little boys at play, and the familiar clatter of toy swords bring a smile to Murat’s face. Achille and Lucien must be playing “knights” again. Hopefully they’ll behave themselves and not break anything el—

The sound of something large and ceramic hitting the floor and shattering into pieces reverberates through the house. A frozen silence follows.

Murat sighs. If it was another one of Caroline’s vases, she would have his head. The boys just broke one not even a month ago. He was supposed to be keeping an eye on things while she was away enjoying the spa with Pauline and Elisa. Somehow, he doubted that Caroline would find “I was attending Letitia’s tea party” to be an acceptable excuse for the obliteration of another one of her expensive antiques.

“My apologies, _mesdemoiselles_ ,” he addresses his daughters. “I need to go check on your brothers. Be good while I’m gone, okay?” Not that he needs to tell his two little girls that anyway. They are perfect angels, whereas the boys are… well, more like him.

Rising awkwardly from the pink plastic chair, he creeps towards the stairway, not wanting the boys to hear him coming. He peers down the stairs. Eight-year-old Achille and six-year-old Lucien are crouched beside a pile of shards which, moments earlier, had formed their mother’s favorite vase. Murat rakes a hand over his face. 

“Can we fix it?” little Lucien whispers loudly.

“I don’t think so,” Achille whispers back. “There’s too many pieces.”

“What are we going to do?” Lucien asks.

“What, indeed?” Murat interjects, suppressing a smile as his sons jump in startlement. 

“Papa!” the boys exclaim in unison.

Murat bites his lip as he regards the remnants of the vase, forcing a grim expression. “Well boys,” he begins, doing his best to try to be serious, “which one of you broke Mama’s _favorite vase_?"

Lucien cringes. Achille looks downcast. The boys regard each other in silence for a moment. Finally, Achille confesses; it was his sword that knocked down the vase. But only, he adds with a glare at his younger brother, because Lucien ducked instead of blocking it like _a real knight_ would have.

The mess is soon cleaned up and disposed of, and Achille and Lucien are properly lectured on the importance of _absolutely not under any circumstances_ breaking anymore of their mother’s possessions _or else._ The boys grab their swords and run off to play a new game: pirates! Murat is about to go back upstairs to rejoin the tea party when his cellphone rings. 

Lannes greets him enthusiastically. How is the babysitting going? The boys broke _another_ vase? Caroline will be SO MAD. You had ONE JOB, Joachim. 

“It’s not my fault!” Murat protests. “I can’t be everywhere at once. We’ve had a very peaceful day so far up until this!”

“NO EXCUSES. I have more kids than you and I can manage them well enough!”

“Yeah well your kids aren’t little versions of _me_.”

“Thank God for that,” Lannes laughs.

Murat rubs his temples while his friend launches into a long explanation of yet another practical joke he recently played on the hapless Bessières. Wandering into the kitchen while Lannes rambles, he puts the phone on speaker and places it down on the counter as he pours himself a glass of juice. 

A little girl screams from upstairs.

Murat puts the glass down and dashes out of the kitchen. “IS EVERYTHING OKAY? SHOULD I CALL THE DOCTOR?” Lannes’ voice shouts through the abandoned phone.

Springing up the steps three at a time, Murat enters the girls’ room to find Louise in tears, being consoled by Letitia. 

“What happened, sweetheart?” Murat asks, his heart pounding. “Are you hurt?”

“LUCIEN AND ACHILLE TOOK BUNBUN,” Louise sobs.

“Where did they take him?” 

“They said he was their prisoner,” Letitia says, “and they were taking him back to the pirate ship.” She looks at her father, mystified. “Do we really have a pirate ship, Papa?”

“Of course not my dear, where would we keep a pirate ship? I know where they went though.” Kneeling, he pulls the sobbing Louise against him. “Shhhhh, it’ll be okay my love. I’ll bring Bunbun home safe and sound, I promise.” He kisses her forehead. “Letitia, keep your sister occupied while I go rescue Bunbun, okay?”

“Yes Papa.”

He heads back downstairs. Somehow, Lannes is still yelling through the phone.

“JOACHIM?! WHERE ARE YOU? IS EVERYONE OKAY? I’M CALLING DOCTOR LAR–”

“NO,” Murat cries, “DO NOT CALL LARREY, for God’s sake Jean. Everything is fine.”

“But I heard screaming!” 

“It’s nothing. The kids are playing a game. I’ll call you back later, I have to go.” He ends the call, pockets the phone, and leaves the house through the back door. 

His eyes go across the vast, vibrant gardens, and out to a distant oak tree, from which protrudes an ornate treehouse. The sounds of boyish laughter carry through the summer air.

Murat had taken great pains–quite literally–to build the treehouse years earlier, when Achille was just a toddler, before Louise had been born. Losing his footing while hammering in some boards one afternoon, he had plummeted out of the tree, dislocating his shoulder in the process. 

After recuperating, he had stubbornly completed the treehouse (with help). 

Now the structure served alternatively as a fortress, castle, fighter jet, spacecraft, and pirate ship, depending on what mood the children were in. Striding towards the would-be pirate ship, Murat sees Lucien peer out at him with a spyglass, before ducking back behind the window. 

Achille appears, bedecked in his pirate hat and eyepatch, a wooden cutlass in his belt. Behind him comes Lucien, dressed similarly, holding the captive Bunbun before him. The droopy stuffed rabbit is led out of the treehouse, towards the makeshift plank Murat had added on some months back to accommodate his sons’ piratical fantasies.

“ARRRRR!!!” Achille cries.

“YAAAAAARGH!!!” echoes Lucien.

“What has poor Bunbun done to deserve this?” Murat asks in feigned despair.

“He stole our buried treasure!” Achille says.

“YEAH!” says Lucien. “ARRRRGH.”

“Now he must walk the plank!”

“We’re gonna feed him to the sharks!!”

Murat has an idea.

“I’ll be the shark!” 

“Do you know how to be a shark, Papa?” Lucien asks.

“Of course!” He’s seen all the _Jaws_ movies, at any rate.

Murat pretends to swim back and forth below the treehouse, baring his teeth ferociously up at Bunbun. Lucien giggles, then, remembering his role after a poke on the back from Achille, resumes his pirate scowl, giving one more loud “ARRRR” for good measure.

“FOR STEALING OUR BURIED TREASURE, WE HEREBY SENTENCE YOU TO DEATH,” Achille declares. 

Lucien shoves Bunbun off the plank. Murat catches the stuffed rabbit and, gnashing his teeth, simulates rending it to pieces. Laughing, the boys celebrate their triumph with whoops and cheers, waving their wooden cutlasses. Murat, pleased with his performance, tucks the liberated Bunbun under his arm and takes a stage bow.

Soon after, Bunbun is back in the arms of a grateful Louise. Hopefully the boys would neglect to tell their little sister that Papa had temporarily transformed into a shark and devoured her beloved rabbit. Murat cringes. Maybe he can make a deal with them…

The front door opens downstairs. He had completely lost track of the time. Is Caroline home already? 

“Joachim?” Caroline calls. “Where are you? …And _what happened to my vase_?”

***THE END***


End file.
